I Get To Put Down the Cookie...

Ten years ago, I entered Lent thinking that I was going to be in a wheelchair by age 40. Desperation drove me to radical change and, a few weeks after Easter, I took the first gritty painful steps towards a more surrendered life, body and soul.⁣
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I fought then to be able to walk and eat and hope again. And I continue to grieve, fight, surrender, and rise by turns. Starting at the end (“I will die”) and working my way backwards (“How shall I now live?”) to a life more properly ordered both physically and spiritually.⁣
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Chronic illness can be a crutch or ladder. Like Lent. We don’t get total control. But we get to decide how to live well and move forward with purpose.⁣
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Not that I’m particularly good at life, you understand. I would not choose to relive pivotal moments of change—I’m just not that strong—but they're necessary and I’m grateful.⁣ Every single day is a gift. Every step. I don’t HAVE to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
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That Lent changed me and I look at things differently now…⁣
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I don’t have to fast… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to sacrifice… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to discipline my appetites… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to exercise… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to surrender… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to serve… I GET TO.⁣
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“Do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in all your conduct; since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 1 Peter 1:10⁣
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Lent is ultimately about seeking union with Christ. On a practical level, that means prayers and service… and choosing to do the hard thing in the moment that needs doing. Detaching from outcome. Pursuing right ordered living.⁣
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We learn quickly that we can’t even put down the little cookie let alone face the scarier stuff. And this where Lent pierces our damnable egos…⁣
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“Take up your cross and follow me.”⁣
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First, we have to figure out how to let go of the cookie. Lent is an extraordinary opportunity to learn to stop kicking and screaming our way to a beautiful and liberated life and finally say:⁣
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“Yes, Lord… I GET TO."

Asparagus Soup and thoughts on heresy

My dad made this delicious asparagus soup and served it to me. The meal was good timing since I’ve been struggling recently with the effort of eating according to the needs of my body. I've healed from disease in ways that astound me, but sometimes... I’m just tired.

To be served and loved with thoughtfulness and consideration of my needs was a gentle lift through the rest of my week. And of course, it got me remembering.

Dwelling on the past isn’t always fruitful, but it can help to look back with gratitude and see how God has worked. I remember how sick I was. I don't want to go back to that. I remember how much work (and surrender) it took to rise up.

I sometimes lose courage and am tempted to abandon the effort. Then I return to the heart of the Father in prayer and ask Him to lead me through…

I only have one body, Lord. And it is from You for You. Give me the passion for Your call so that what I currently see as burden will become only joy.

St. Thomas wrote: ‘Grace does not destroy nature, but perfects it.’ The body itself is not an obstacle to happiness but the chosen vehicle for God’s plan of eternal joy. I know that now...

But when I was young, I hated my body and was drawn in by the Manichean error that our bodies are wicked; that the spiritual world was light and good and the physical world was dark and evil. I hated my body and couldn’t wait to be ‘free’ of it forever.... and those thoughts led me to an even deeper involvement in occult spirituality.

That story is complex, but what ultimately saved my life was seeing the gift of my body through God's eyes and the life-giving teachings of the Catholic faith. As I sat with Scripture this morning, I marveled at how God works for us through others...

Thanks for the soup, Lord. I remember. You knew I would.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor. 19

Again and again... zeal for our house

The exploits of reckless romance have got nothin’ on the wild adventure of committed marital love.⁣⁣
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Wake up, spouses, to your extraordinary life! Many, who now see their lot as drudgery, once longed for this forever love. They’ve forgotten their zeal for generous outpouring.⁣
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It’s the failed expectations, I think. We think we know the secret to happy marriage and are shocked to find that our elders weren’t lying to us about the challenge of permanence…⁣
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That life is hard. Life is suffering.⁣
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They told us these things as a counterweight to enthusiasm… they didn’t want to get our hopes too high.⁣
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I recall the first time I thought “Good gracious, they were all right” while I instinctively looked for the escape hatch. But when you’re Catholic and married, vows aren’t simply shrugged off as a folly of youth…⁣⁣
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So you cling. But you see families tumble down around you and it’s terrifying when you begin to stumble on your own beloved. And yourself. And the drudgery.⁣⁣
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When did your lover become an irritation rather than a breathtaking reflection of God? And how can that purity of vision be restored?⁣⁣
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Where have we put our passion and why isn’t it what we expected? When did the radical call of 1 Cor. 13 become a placard instead of a flame?⁣
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To become captivated again, we learn that what we expected at the start wasn’t good enough…⁣⁣
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God’s vision is deeper and wider.⁣⁣
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Maybe our expectation was more selfish than sanctified. Maybe we made our beloved an idol and then were disappointed when he turned out not to be God.⁣⁣
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Marriage is a battle. It is a fire. It is a sunset and ocean. It is rapids and cliff diving and wonder… Wrapped up in the tedious nitpicking mundane.⁣⁣
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In these wicked times especially, we must remember how to share beautiful secrets with our spouse again. The special wink. The familiar touch. The ichthus drawn in the sand for each other while the world encroaches… a shared knowing…⁣⁣
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“Beloved, you are extraordinary. And someday we will dance in eternal glory. We can dance tonight in anticipation. But first… the dishes.”⁣⁣
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Blessed be God who makes all things new!
Let us begin again and again and again.

The dust of discernment

The dust of discernment.
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I’ve been gutting my home, digging breathing space out of the clutter.⁣ As I climb into crevices that haven’t seen me in a while (years?) I find pieces of my life that have been buried.⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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I once was this. I once was that. I once made things. I was an activist. I was an artist. I was an athlete. I started projects and studied things…⁣
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I got certified and licensed and spoke here or there. I married, birthed, nursed babies, cleaned house, taught children. I thought at times that I had an identity that was in Christ but also… more.⁣
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And I thought discernment was about finding out what that “more” was. Jesus PLUS whatever else…⁣
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I once started a community on Etsy called Handmaid for Life. One of the artists from that treasured group made this heart for me years ago and it’s been on my thread rack since. I noticed it last week and dusted it off…⁣
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And wiped down my sewing machine, leafed through the many patterns and memories. The last pattern purchase… a dress I never made for my daughter…⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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Illness changed so much of my life. Sometimes abruptly. And taught me secrets about discernment. Mostly that it is less about what I do in this life than it is about Whose will I am following.⁣
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Discernment is about detachment and relationship. It says “Where are you going, Lord? I want to go, too? And I want to make my home in Your heart. And I want no other identity.”⁣
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So I stand in the middle of the gutted room (you know how you “clean” a space but first you have to make a righteous mess?) and wonder what to let go. I don’t really want to let any of it go. I want to touch it and dream with it…⁣
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But I don’t know whether yesterday’s distractions will make me a hoarder or whether there’s still room. So I turn back to the Father and ask Him to dust me off and make me new. What will I need for the homeward journey?⁣
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“And raising his eyes toward his disciples he said”… (Lk 6)⁣
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Blessed are you poor.⁣
Blessed are you hungry.⁣
Blessed are you weeping.⁣
Blessed are you when people hate you.⁣
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And I see how I have badly misunderstood discernment for most of my life.⁣
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Dust me off, Lord. Let’s try this again.

Prayer of a free soul

In 2019, I read the account of a Uyghur woman who was imprisoned in the Chinese Communist re-education camps. The Uyghur genocide is something Americans know little about. It would benefit us to pay attention.⁣
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One detail of her story in particular sticks with me…⁣
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The Chinese keep the women exhausted and busy with fruitless labor. Some of that time is spent in reprogramming classes. The fatigued women dare not close their eyes for even a second for fear of punishment.⁣ Punished because it indicates to the Chinese that the women might be praying…⁣
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And the enemies of God know that prayer makes a soul free.⁣
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The unique advantage that a Christian has during times of persecution and isolation is the consolation of Jesus Christ. Communication with Him is a threat to all machinations of evil.⁣
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Evil is not content with destroying your body and mind, what it really wants is your soul.⁣
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Sometimes when I neglect prayer, I think of that Uyghur woman. Isolated but not allowed to be alone. Tortured. With no darkness during the night, no friendship during the day, no freedom to move or work productively…⁣ abused and controlled by an enemy bent on stealing even her interior life.⁣
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That knowledge makes me want to pray more. I don’t want to lose connection with the only One who can offer freedom from the damnable spirit of isolation. The fact that I can be pulled from prayer by a thousand different distractions so easily is a red flag…⁣
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… and a strong call to renewal.⁣
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If I am to remain truly free under any circumstance, I’d best get used to praying in all circumstances. Not as if it is a chore, but as St. Thérèse described it… a surge of the heart.⁣
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Jesus, I trust in You. I throw myself on your mercy. Grant me the grace of desire and fidelity.⁣
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“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” ~ 2 Corinthians 3:17

Rooted Fatherhood

I stood next to the casket of my beloved father-in-law and my knees literally shook with cold and grief. The sorrow on the face of his devoted bride remains etched in my memory.⁣
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Broken. We all felt broken. One of the grandsons articulated the feeling as that of being untethered… unmoored.⁣
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A good man grows roots in the ground and stays put for his family. They tease about his routines, his stubbornness, and his predictable jokes. And while they kid and flourish…⁣
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The roots grow deeper. Solid. Unshakable.⁣
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They know this… a little. Until he is gone and then they KNOW…⁣
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That he has been rooted and they are the branches. They have felt a faint shaking of earthquakes, the heat of fires, and the gusts of strong winds…⁣ but it is the rooted father who digs deeply and secures the family while they grow. He takes the blows, the flames, the deep shakings.⁣
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Every day, his supplications and prayers of thanksgiving rise to the creator. The sun rises and sets. He gets up and does what men do. He toils and he counsels. He kneels and he rests. He battles sin and enemy and elements.⁣
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Rooted.⁣
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I know what my son meant when he said he felt adrift. We are experiencing a bit of vertigo as the roots shift (but remain) beneath us…⁣
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The men seem to feel it uniquely. That they have been loved and raised and held up by a good man, rooted in strength and courage and fidelity. And that they are also made for that greatness.⁣
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There is a quickening of life in the presence of death. World events add to the feeling. That now is not the time for weak men, addicted men, immoral men, or timid men…⁣
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It is time to take root.⁣
Blessed be God forever.⁣
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“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,⁣
nor stands in the way of sinners,⁣
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;⁣
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,⁣
and on his law he meditates day and night.⁣
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He is like a tree planted by streams of water,⁣
that yields its fruit in its season,⁣
and its leaf does not wither.⁣
In all that he does, he prospers.”⁣
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Psalm 1:1-3

Don't touch your baby...

She was born in a Catholic hospital before the nuns left. And her story testifies to why it mattered…⁣
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Born weeks early, she ran into trouble. “Code blue” was the last thing I heard before they all rushed out of the room with her.⁣ Every NICU mama knows what the next days looked like. The lights and plastic boxes with babies, charts, and alarms.⁣..
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Once, I touched her back lightly. Her O2 sat dropped, the alarms went off, and I got a harsh lecture from the doctor after they stabilized her…⁣
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“Don’t touch your baby.”⁣
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So I just watched. Every day. And since I couldn’t sleep, I watched her at night as well, rocking in the chair, wishing I could see her face uncovered from tape and tubes.⁣
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About a week into our stay, I was keeping vigil at 3am. Two nurses were at the desk that night though it was usually just one at that hour. I’d never seen them before. We were the only ones there.⁣ They approached me together and said they didn’t usually work there but took every opportunity. “We are Christians and this hospital is a blessed place. We love to be here.”⁣
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They asked if they could pray over my daughter and I said yes. I watched as they put two sets of hands into the isolette and laid them on her back…⁣
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The child who wouldn’t be touched didn’t flinch.⁣
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They praised and glorified God and they prophesied. They spoke of healing and mission. And when they were done, they turned to me…⁣
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“She’s going to be okay.” They explained…⁣
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“God protects this hospital. The sisters will not provide contraception or abortion benefits to staff… and He blesses that.”⁣
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I never saw them again. And the hospital has since passed into secular hands. But this beautiful girl continues to grow in grace. I wish those nurses could see her now.⁣
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Dear Birthday Girl…⁣
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“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit, do not despise prophesying…hold fast what is good, abstain from every form of evil.⁣
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May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” - 1 Thess. 5

The Door is Open.

“The door is open.” This is the phrase that came to me after prayers and my kids’ lessons today. Before that, I had been sitting heavily in the awareness that “The door is closing.”⁣
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It’s the same truth from different angles. I see that the times are shifting and many are falling away from Christ. I feel the quickening of events and the labor pains of a world about to be shaken… sifted…⁣
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We are choosing our paths, our teachers, our gods… and it will be difficult to change direction once the storm intensifies.⁣
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The door is closing. But it is open.⁣
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I gave the kids an assignment today. Read the first Mass reading (Colossians 3:12-17) and also Ephesians 5:1-15…⁣
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Then make a list of all that St. Paul says is required of Christians. The “do nots” are important but, for the purposes of this list, make them into positive statements. Marching orders.⁣
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So they made their lists and were excited by the concreteness of identity. And I felt my own shift…⁣
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The door is open.⁣
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Here is their combined list, shortened to fit this space. It is solid. It is specific. It is only the tip of the iceberg, but is sufficient for the day.⁣
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The door is open. Enter in…⁣
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•Be holy⁣
•Be blameless and pure⁣
•Imitate God as beloved children⁣
•Praise Him⁣
•Walk in love, a fragrant offering to God⁣
•Have faith⁣
•Have a spirit of wisdom⁣
•have a spirit of thanksgiving⁣
•Do fruitful works of light⁣
•Expose the darkness⁣
•Be filled with the spirit⁣
•Be moral⁣
•Be pure⁣
•Be clean of speech⁣
•Be obedient to God⁣
•Walk as children of light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true⁣
•Learn what pleases the Lord⁣
•Take part in fruitful things⁣
•Greet one another in psalms and hymns⁣
•Sing to the Lord with all your heart⁣
•Be beloved⁣
•Be compassionate⁣
•Be kind⁣
•Be patient⁣
•Forgive⁣
•Let the word of Christ dwell in you⁣
•Look carefully how you walk because the days are evil⁣
•Worship⁣
•Hold fast to truth⁣
•Press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God
•Be mature minded⁣
•Always and for everything give thanks in the name of Jesus Christ⁣
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In this time of great shaking, may we find hope & strength in the fullness of true identity. ❤️

How a Neurotic Germaphobe put the faithful to sleep

“When anything is subject to the light it becomes visible… Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light.”
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Hitler was a neurotic germaphobe. His fixation on racial cleansing was rooted in his fear of biological threats to the German people.⁣⁣⁣ How did he convince a nation to submit to his neurosis? He understood human psychology…⁣⁣⁣
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He knew he needed to magnify fear. The vehicle was an appeal to the noble goal of “public health.” Tuberculosis was the great enemy. And it had many carriers.⁣⁣⁣
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Early on, there were mandatory X-rays of German and Polish citizens.⁣⁣⁣ It was a new technology and there was concern about radiation. But to root out the TB devil, individual rights were subordinated to communal well-being.
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“It’s just an X-ray."⁣⁣⁣
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The unclean were marked & restricted. Citizens disarmed.⁣ Marriages prohibited. Assets stolen. Citizens imprisons…

400,000 Germans were forcibly sterilized.⁣⁣ 5,000 died as a result of the operation. Acceptable sacrifices on the altar of safety.
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“It’s just a surgery.”⁣⁣
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TB vaccines were developed using children (dissected and then murdered) instead of animals, because they had to know how it would impact humans. Maybe that’s what they told the judge at the Nuremberg trials. I don’t know. Maybe Fauci knows. In violating the Nuremberg Code, he must have had a good reason, too.
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Many died from those experimental injections.⁣⁣⁣ But…
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"It's just a needle.”

It’s for a greater good.
We might as well use it.
No sense in letting good research go to waste.
It was just a few kids.
It was just unborn babies. Dissected alive, but still…
It will honor their memory.
My Bishop said it’s fine… remote, you know.
We have to stop TB. We have to stop the virus.
We must.
I don’t want to die.

Later on, the Nazis used TB as biowarfare against the Allies and infected ghettos/camps to facilitate extermination.⁣⁣⁣
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Corporations jumped on board the ship of Nazi horrors.
Bayer experimented on humans for TB research... and made Zyklon B for the gas chambers and funded Mengele’s research, knowing fully what he was doing.⁣⁣⁣
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But... it's about TB so it's okay. Crimes against humanity? No big deal. Very short prison term. US protection. Bayer must make some good aspirin.⁣⁣
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Fanta was invented specifically for the Nazi troops by Coca Cola.
Henry Ford built war vehicles for the Nazis.
Chase Bank froze Jewish assets.
IBM built a death-machine infrastructure.
Random House published Nazi propaganda.
Hugo Boss designed uniforms for the SS and Hitler Youth.
Swarovski was part of the Nazi leadership.
BMW built Nazi planes and motorcycles, used slave labor, and accepted stolen Jewish businesses.
Nestle used free labor from Nazi prison camps.
The Associated Press participated in Nazi propaganda.
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But… it’s probably all okay.

(This is where Americans must work hard to implement cognitive dissonance)…
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It’s just a mask.⁣⁣⁣
Just a star.⁣⁣⁣
Just a jab.
For public health.⁣⁣⁣
The experts say...⁣⁣⁣
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You can’t keep your job, shop, go to school, get medical care, travel, worship, or speak freely. You can’t marry, bury your dead, decline and injection, visit your loved ones, or receive the sacraments.

Don’t worry though. It's for public health.⁣⁣

The signs of the time are becoming more clear. We are in a time of shaking. There is a great cracking of the pious facade. When the temptation to sing a little louder to drown out the voices of the marginalized is pressing on us like we never imagine it would, we try to reassure ourselves…

“We aren’t like the Germans. We’ll see it coming. Won’t we?”

Awake, O sleeper! We must awaken to a godly order. Let the light pour in on evil. Awake!

The only answer is a deepening, a shaking, and an awakening to the Person of Jesus Christ. It is Christ who will guide us and embolden us, renew us and bring us peace in evil times. It is He alone who can provide the courage to raise prophetic voices and stand in defense of the vulnerable.

Come, Holy Spirit. Embolden us with holy love. Amen.

The kingdom of heaven is like a Petunia

My parish is nestled in the heart of a concrete jungle, a small David against the encroaching mechanization of man. She was built by immigrants. Her classrooms now empty. Her abundant flower gardens tended by just two feminine hands.⁣⁣
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I’ve never met the gardener but I see how she adorns the church. And tucked a potted flower in that one hidden nook.⁣⁣ Beyond the gardens, the flowers seem to go where they will and we search every week for new signs of petunias in hard places.⁣⁣
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These little flowers are joy opportunists. Easily plucked and crushed, yet finding a way.⁣⁣
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I had an image in my mind of the small church property and the shining tabernacle within. And it seemed to me that the delight of Jesus Christ was seeping through the doors, through the ground, and out of every opening of that building.⁣⁣..
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And it was rising up through the cracks in the sidewalk as petunias.⁣⁣
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Back at home, I noticed a plant growing straight up through the asphalt at the end of our street. No sidewalk crack required. It simply grew and poked a perfect hole through that hard surface. My fingers can crush this plant and yet it rises up through what my hands could never penetrate. Mystery.⁣⁣
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How does it rise?⁣⁣
How do we?⁣⁣
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Sometimes I have trouble understanding Church. I see the broken people. I see my own sins. I see institutional failures that challenge me with doubt and anger and grief.⁣⁣ And I think of the flowers, the leaven, the mustard seed (Mt 13)…⁣⁣
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The kingdom of heaven is like smallest seed that transforms into a tree so large that the birds make a home there.⁣⁣
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The kingdom is like leaven which loses itself in the meal until it rises and nourishes.⁣⁣
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Where is the seed? Where is leaven? Where is Church? And when will we see that the Eucharistic feast is not contained… but alive like the mighty petunia in a heart disposed to grace?⁣⁣
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Some day…⁣⁣
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“The Son of man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all evildoers, and throw them into the furnace of fire…Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father...”⁣⁣
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And the flowers will be gathered and grow forever.

Holy Spirit, burn away the dead wood...

More work on the yard this weekend. It feels endless. Mostly gathering up the debris and old wood and putting it into the fire. Saving what is good to be used later.⁣⁣
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It is Pentecost. Praise the Lord! And I keep thinking of the Fire that illuminates, consumes, and burns away the dead wood.⁣⁣
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Today I am committed to praying one of the scary prayers and the great effort of response...⁣⁣
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Holy Spirit, I surrender. Burn away in me all that is dead. Transform me in Your purgative fire. Change my life again. Amen.⁣⁣
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I cannot pray such prayers without an internal hesitation and reservation. But I am told faith is like a muscle. We keep flexing and working the weak flesh and eventually it can do what it could not do before.⁣⁣
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Perhaps by the time I die, I will have only a tiny hesitation left, and then the Spirit wil blow it away with His inestimable mercy.⁣⁣
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On this birthday of the Church, let us not confuse the work of the Spirit with the work of man...⁣⁣
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Men and women are complicated. But Pentecost is not complicated.⁣⁣
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When the people saw the manifestation of the Spirit on Pentecost, they were astonished and asked Peter what they should do. (Acts 2) Peter replied:⁣⁣
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“Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”⁣⁣
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St. Paul later tells us that the works of the flesh must be burned away if we are to live in the Spirit. (Gal 5) So being part of the Church means to have faith and receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit...⁣⁣
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And then respond with great effort and zeal for the Lord. Participating in allowing the Holy Fire to get rid of what is not of Him.⁣⁣ It seems like a fitting day for me to face the scary prayers and offer them quickly before I chicken out!⁣
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St. Basil says that the power of the Spirit will be given according to the measure of our faith. Well then...⁣⁣
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Let is begin again. Lord, increase my faith!⁣⁣
Come, Holy Spirit! 🔥

Your life manual...

Playing in the rain in 2016. I had no idea what the next 5 years would bring. It’s better that way. I would have been afraid.⁣⁣
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2021 is frightening people. And so we must go back to basics...⁣⁣
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Everything you need to know in times of fear is found in Paul’s instructions to the Thessalonians (1 Thes 5).⁣⁣
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Read it when anxious. And then start to praise the Lord with a fierceness that outmatches the wickedness of the enemy. That is the only way. We have to find Him in this or we will fall to despair which is not of the Lord.⁣⁣
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Take heart! Stay sober and alert. Remain steadfast. Praise Him. Follow His Word...⁣⁣
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“But as to the times and the seasons, brethren... you yourselves know well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. When people say, “There is peace and security,” then sudden destruction will come upon them as travail comes upon a woman with child, and there will be no escape.⁣⁣
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But you are not in darkness, brethren, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all sons of light and sons of the day; we are not of the night or of darkness.⁣⁣
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So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober... since we belong to the day, let us be sober, and put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation.⁣
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For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we wake or sleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing...⁣⁣
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14 And we exhort you, brethren, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all...⁣⁣
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Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit, do not despise prophesying, but test everything; hold fast what is good, abstain from every form of evil.⁣⁣
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May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.”⁣⁣
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Thanks be to God 🔥

Running for you...

We went to the track last night with the kids to get in some practice for the Rise Up & Run 5k in July. Link is in my profile if you’d like to join us from wherever you are! My kids are super excited. But...⁣
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Some of us forgot how painful running can be when you’ve done a lot of hibernating over the winter!⁣
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Little Z ran and ran. His short legs gave it everything just for the love of the effort.⁣
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The rest of us need the dangling carrot of race day to keep us going. But we will take it. Let the preparations begin! And...⁣
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Every runner registered so far and any intentions you’ve shared were carried with us. We run...⁣
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For your marriages.⁣
For your children to return to the Lord.⁣
For you to find a permanent home.⁣
For your healing of disease.⁣
For your grandchildren.⁣
For a softening of your grief.⁣
For your business venture.⁣
For Beckett Weinert.⁣
For peace in our country.⁣
For an end to abortion.⁣
For your private heartaches.⁣
For your broken bodies.⁣
For healing from mental illness.⁣
For freedom from addiction.⁣
For your deployed loved ones.⁣
All known and unknown petitions...⁣
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All of it offered up with our efforts everyday. And those of you who are running/walking/rolling/crawling toward the same goal...⁣
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Please carry all of us with you, too.⁣
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Also, if you didn’t share your intentions on your registration form, feel free to send me a message. And if you aren’t registered but would like us to carry your prayers... just drop me a dm or comment below.⁣
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“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3)⁣
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#riseupandrun21 ⁣

What is impossible for God?

I awakened this morning to a winter wonderland... and sighed. So done with winter. But that sigh was not heavy because I knew the cold would pass soon. Spring will not be stopped.⁣
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As I drove along the roads, I saw the blossomed branches in every direction shaking off the snow. The sun broke through the gray clouds and the melting snow fell like God’s grace...⁣
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On the car. On the road. On my soul.⁣
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Then I encountered the today’s shocking first Mass reading... ⁣
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“Devout men buried Stephen and made a loud lament over him.⁣
Saul, meanwhile, was trying to destroy the Church; entering house after house and dragging out men and women, he handed them over for imprisonment.”⁣
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And I was filled with joy.⁣
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I didn’t feel joy over the persecution and real suffering, but because I know Saul... and I know what came after the brief winter of his hatred for Christ.⁣
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What is impossible for God?⁣
Nothing is impossible for God.⁣
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Saul could not destroy the Church. And the result of the martyrdom of Stephen was a great watering of faith, fervor, and miracles.⁣
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God did not stop the death of Stephen. But he raised him up. He showered the Church with His Spirit. And...⁣
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He turned Saul’s murderous heart into Paul’s heart of a martyr.⁣
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What is impossible for God?⁣
Nothing is impossible for God.⁣
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“Behold, I am making all things new.” Rev. 21:5⁣
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He does not force us to accept Him and to be filled with the Holy Spirit; nor to accept suffering and death with peace and trust...⁣
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But He makes it possible.⁣
Thanks be to God ❤️

I sat at her feet and she prayed...

Parenting young adults has stretched me. I didn't know I could stretch so far without breaking. I didn't know... and it was better not to know beforehand. But here I am.

I have 3 adult kids and 5 more behind. I tremble at times at the future. I've been surprised by what love requires. I've been brought low by the dismantling of expectations, the obliteration of certain ideals, and the realization that I have screwed up a lot of things.

And yet...

I sat at my daughter's feet at the back of the chapel. She placed her hands on my shoulders... on my head. And she prayed.

The child I held as an infant held me. This girl, who I sang to sleep so many nights, sat with me after midnight together on a chapel floor singing to our Eucharistic Lord.

I don't know the name for the emotion I feel in such moments. It is beyond emotion. More deeply real than what I can experience sensorily. Our combined memories--every painful moment, every sweetness--laid before the Savior of the world and Lover of His smallest of daughters.

"He is so good." The words are insufficient but we understood each other.

I am no longer young. I know how grief cycles back and sin oppresses and relationships strain and sickness comes. And yet... I never imagined this moment of sweetness as a mother. Never. It all just looks so different from how I imagined.

I also didn't know that this intimate moment in a dark chapel would be captured by a woman nearby. She has lived a lot of life. She has loved and struggled and lost and risen. She knew what it would mean to me.

Most deeply intimate moments of my life don't make it to IG. But we both want to give testimony. God will not be outdone in generosity. He can take your deepest pain and use it for incomprehensible beauty. @shesaidfiat ...I love you.

What comes tomorrow? I don't know. Onward, trembling heart! Jesus, I trust in You.

"In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" (John 1)

#ariseretreat

Disrupting and Rising...

All we do should be oriented outward in love. A song of praise to God. A gift to souls.⁣
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The trouble is that it is extraordinarily easy to live with a veneer of piety but neglect the dark corners which need the light of Christ. We set conditions on how much He is allowed to touch. Going deeper means a lot of fresh pain... a lot of deep work.⁣
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This is why I go on retreat. Because I am incapable of disrupting myself enough to make it happen. The act of going on retreat is my assent to the deep work and I enter in like this:⁣
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"Lord, I'm going to say yes for all the superficial reasons. Mostly, I want rest. But what I think might happen is that you will break me in order to renew me. I want that. Sort of. But You know I don't really want ALL of it. So I'm going. And I'll love all the things that console me... and I'll be overwhelmed by unexpected grace. I'll come home tired. But changed. I trust in You.”⁣
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I just came off the Arise Retreat weekend where I both participated and presented. I cannot unfold for you all that went on, though I will share some things in the coming days. But let it suffice to say...⁣
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That the most healing action you can take is to place yourself in the Presence of Jesus Christ, to offer Him everything in your life and ask Him to change you.⁣
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Pray the giant scary prayers. Ask for miracle. Expect them.⁣
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Go on retreat with a bunch of women who you trust with your vulnerable soul and who understand that the goal of sanctity is not to find a temporary relief from the dishes... but to be crucified with the Lord so that we might rise up as new creations.⁣
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Hug people. Repeatedly. Spend time in an environment that is not saturated with the secular narrative, but one in which you are immersed in reality and truth. So that you might arise from the grave and live again.⁣
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My gratitude to @1brooketaylor for again providing the opportunity to surrender within a safe and sanctified environment.⁣
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"Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves, and raise you from your graves... And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live" (Ez. 37)

#ariseretreat

God gave me a choice: All or nothing

Yesterday, I had the privilege of sharing part of my conversion story with @jimhavens@the_simple_truth_show . As usual, I can’t recall much of what I said (nerves will do that) but I do know that the Eucharist is at the center of everything.⁣
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There have been times when my faith in the institution has been rocked and I’ve been forced to examine, from every angle, my belief and what holds me in that belief.⁣
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If I ever left Catholicism, I couldn’t become a Protestant. I would have to leave Christ completely... because the pivotal transformation of my life happened at the invitation of our Eucharistic Lord Himself.⁣
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And if I left Him, my departure would be a shout of “Non Serviam!”— like Lucifer — instead of the squishy fading away into unbelief.⁣
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The human face of the Church is broken, hardened, hypocritical, abusive, and even in the service of the enemy at times. There have been moments when my heart has been broken and I have been tempted to conflate the promises of Christ with those imposters who defile the sanctuary and fool the faithful by wearing robes of Christ. But...⁣
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When I was 18 years old, our Lord gave me a choice. Between belief and unbelief. Between the glitter of the world and the miraculous of the mundane presented in a tiny white host.⁣
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In the Scriptures, Jesus asks his disciples, “Will you also go away?” (John 6: 22-71). And when He asked me, I answered...⁣
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I’ll stay, Lord. I will worship my God, present in the Holy Eucharist, fully believing and embracing the consequences of that belief.⁣
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It is a time of great evil and of great miracles. My own testimony is a great miracle—an impossible rescue—brought about in the silence of a soul and the little details of one life.⁣
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Ask for your miracle.⁣
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Ask Him today to give you the gift of desire. Of fidelity. Of passion. Of vision. Ask Him to bring you the miracle that you need to stay with Him forever.⁣
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Then arrange everything in your life to allow for that miracle to happen.⁣
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“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thes. 5: 16-18)

"Sit down and shut up" (the crutch of false charity)

Before I was a Christian, I was a pro-abort feminist. And the truth made me angry. I had no compassion for unborn babies because I could not see them. I was blinded with an anger and irritation that was irrational and fierce… a deep spiritual darkness which covered my intellect and emotions.⁣
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It was ultimately that anger which drove me to the point of grace and conversion. And I thank God for people who were willing to be hated for the sake of my soul and the lives of the vulnerable.⁣
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Do not be afraid of upsetting people with the truth. Their passion indicates that their soul is still alive and can be awakened to fullness in Christ. It is persistent apathy and numbness which are the more deadly.⁣
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“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.” (Rev 3:16)⁣
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It is often the angry ones who are still alive enough to be uncomfortable and willing to grapple. (That was me.) Even if their actions are upsetting and evil, it means they have to fight THAT hard to guard themselves from beliefs that threaten their attachments.⁣
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Christian women are naturally sensitive to the reactions and feelings of others. That is as it should be. But we should remember that we cannot control others’ reactions and that we can’t minister to all hearts at the same time. The order of love for a soul is specific and personal.⁣
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It is the Lord who does the work and He works in His time. When a soul is ready, we pray to be made useful in some way. But for the most part, we will never know how we have impacted others.⁣
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There are Christians to whom I was accusatory before my conversion (and almost certainly after). And I hope that my emotion and error didn’t shake their confidence in Truth.⁣
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It is possible that I led people away from Christ, and I thank God for others who opposed me even when I tried to shame them.⁣ Then there were the “peacemakers”who wanted all of the uncomfortable people to be quiet... and lukewarm.⁣
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True charity comes in many forms. An emotional crutch for those attached to sin, error, or comfort is not one of them. Be not afraid. 🔥

Getting out of the lifeboat for Lent

"Repent, and believe in the gospel."⁣⁣
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Today's Gospel is so powerfully succinct, wrapped in the words of our Blessed Lord Himself. There is no parsing, haggling, or manipulation here. Our excuses fall instantly before the piercing arrow of Divine Truth.⁣⁣
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"John had been arrested" and the time for prophesy and preparation was passing into a time of decision...⁣⁣
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"The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe the gospel."⁣⁣
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I am struck today by this call to penetrating clarity and truth. It is Lent. But it is also just another day that leads to eternity. And as always, I am caught up in the Word, astonished by it... but perhaps not yet pierced by it enough to let Him change me completely.⁣⁣
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I know that I only permit the Truth to go so far without full permission to reach the darkest corners; those nooks which contain a lifetime of rationalizing those things which aren't of Him. Because...⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
And in our sinfulness, we know intellectually that we are blind and dumb... but we still keep Christ out of the recesses because...⁣⁣
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We don't truly desire full freedom.⁣⁣
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A pious Lent is easy. It's easy to stay on top of the water in my lifeboat and fight with things like chocolate. But I don't want to be knocked into the waters of true renewal where I can't pretend that the battle is that easy.⁣⁣
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Repentance is difficult because I know where the hardened places are and I must again engage in that death battle with my chosen millstones. I don't want to do that. Not today.⁣⁣
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My prayers are pious, yet it is hidden actions of soul which reveal my true desire. And that is where Lent works and is so beautiful and potentially powerful.⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
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God sometimes answers my prayers by giving me exactly what I want. He says "This Way" and I say "No, That Way... I've discerned it" and He allows me to move--with my mask of piety--in the direction that leads to my own destruction. Rock bottom of the soul. And He waits for me to seek Him.⁣⁣
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Tough love. I get that.⁣⁣
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Onward into Lent. Repent and believe in the gospel! He is waiting... but time is short.

The Gentle Instruction of Paul

Joining with #fridaycolloquies to let the light of Christ flood our feeds. I was going to add a favorite saint quote but then read today’s first reading and my heart stayed there.⁣⁣
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Paul with the gentle instruction and piercing hope (Hebrews 13:1-8)...⁣⁣
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“Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels. Be mindful of prisoners as if sharing their imprisonment, and of the ill-treated as of yourselves, for you also are in the body.⁣⁣
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Let marriage be honored among all and the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the immoral and adulterers.⁣⁣
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Let your life be free from love of money but be content with what you have, for he has said, I will never forsake you or abandon you.⁣⁣ Thus we may say with confidence:⁣⁣
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The Lord is my helper,⁣⁣
and I will not be afraid.⁣⁣
What can anyone do to me?⁣⁣
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Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” ❤️⁣⁣
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Thank you @littlelightfamily for the invitation and inspiration. May God be glorified in all these posts and his people consoled and fortified.