I Get To Put Down the Cookie...

Ten years ago, I entered Lent thinking that I was going to be in a wheelchair by age 40. Desperation drove me to radical change and, a few weeks after Easter, I took the first gritty painful steps towards a more surrendered life, body and soul.⁣
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I fought then to be able to walk and eat and hope again. And I continue to grieve, fight, surrender, and rise by turns. Starting at the end (“I will die”) and working my way backwards (“How shall I now live?”) to a life more properly ordered both physically and spiritually.⁣
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Chronic illness can be a crutch or ladder. Like Lent. We don’t get total control. But we get to decide how to live well and move forward with purpose.⁣
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Not that I’m particularly good at life, you understand. I would not choose to relive pivotal moments of change—I’m just not that strong—but they're necessary and I’m grateful.⁣ Every single day is a gift. Every step. I don’t HAVE to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
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That Lent changed me and I look at things differently now…⁣
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I don’t have to fast… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to sacrifice… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to discipline my appetites… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to exercise… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to surrender… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to serve… I GET TO.⁣
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“Do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in all your conduct; since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 1 Peter 1:10⁣
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Lent is ultimately about seeking union with Christ. On a practical level, that means prayers and service… and choosing to do the hard thing in the moment that needs doing. Detaching from outcome. Pursuing right ordered living.⁣
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We learn quickly that we can’t even put down the little cookie let alone face the scarier stuff. And this where Lent pierces our damnable egos…⁣
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“Take up your cross and follow me.”⁣
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First, we have to figure out how to let go of the cookie. Lent is an extraordinary opportunity to learn to stop kicking and screaming our way to a beautiful and liberated life and finally say:⁣
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“Yes, Lord… I GET TO."

The dust of discernment

The dust of discernment.
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I’ve been gutting my home, digging breathing space out of the clutter.⁣ As I climb into crevices that haven’t seen me in a while (years?) I find pieces of my life that have been buried.⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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I once was this. I once was that. I once made things. I was an activist. I was an artist. I was an athlete. I started projects and studied things…⁣
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I got certified and licensed and spoke here or there. I married, birthed, nursed babies, cleaned house, taught children. I thought at times that I had an identity that was in Christ but also… more.⁣
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And I thought discernment was about finding out what that “more” was. Jesus PLUS whatever else…⁣
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I once started a community on Etsy called Handmaid for Life. One of the artists from that treasured group made this heart for me years ago and it’s been on my thread rack since. I noticed it last week and dusted it off…⁣
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And wiped down my sewing machine, leafed through the many patterns and memories. The last pattern purchase… a dress I never made for my daughter…⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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Illness changed so much of my life. Sometimes abruptly. And taught me secrets about discernment. Mostly that it is less about what I do in this life than it is about Whose will I am following.⁣
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Discernment is about detachment and relationship. It says “Where are you going, Lord? I want to go, too? And I want to make my home in Your heart. And I want no other identity.”⁣
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So I stand in the middle of the gutted room (you know how you “clean” a space but first you have to make a righteous mess?) and wonder what to let go. I don’t really want to let any of it go. I want to touch it and dream with it…⁣
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But I don’t know whether yesterday’s distractions will make me a hoarder or whether there’s still room. So I turn back to the Father and ask Him to dust me off and make me new. What will I need for the homeward journey?⁣
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“And raising his eyes toward his disciples he said”… (Lk 6)⁣
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Blessed are you poor.⁣
Blessed are you hungry.⁣
Blessed are you weeping.⁣
Blessed are you when people hate you.⁣
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And I see how I have badly misunderstood discernment for most of my life.⁣
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Dust me off, Lord. Let’s try this again.

Capturing God Without a Lens

Every time I walk into this church when the sun is shining, I see this stained glass window illuminated. It is breathtaking. And every time, I take out my phone and try to capture what I see.⁣
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I’ve never been able to do it with this device. Always just a blob of shining light. It’s like a private joke that the Lord shares with me, reminding me that I’m constantly disappointed by my ability to capture God, instead of resting in the delight of experiencing Him.⁣
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My daughter recently spoke to me about things of God and this image reminded me today of her words...⁣
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She talked about how dull life is without Christ. And how even the most beautiful song of praise can sound like grating noise when we are not attentive to His Presence. She said she didn’t want to live that deadly boring kind of life, behind a wall of sin or ignorance of Christ. And she prayed over me... and I rested.⁣
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I thought of my window and the clarity I desire. When I step into church and I catch my breath and stand in awe for a second just before I put the phone lens between me and the vision God created in me...⁣
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Life is stunning. Even grief reveals the shocking depth of love with which we are designed. Nothing would hurt if we didn’t first fall into love.⁣
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Repentance seems to begin with allowing the lens of dullness to be stripped.
No numbing agents.
No filters.
No blindness.
No crutch.⁣
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Terrifying.
Breathtaking.
And God willing, we will allow Him to make us strong enough to withstand His piercing light, flourish within it, and not seek to repackage it behind a comfortable lens.⁣
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Overcome me, Lord. I am not strong enough to will it. ❤️

Getting out of the lifeboat for Lent

"Repent, and believe in the gospel."⁣⁣
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Today's Gospel is so powerfully succinct, wrapped in the words of our Blessed Lord Himself. There is no parsing, haggling, or manipulation here. Our excuses fall instantly before the piercing arrow of Divine Truth.⁣⁣
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"John had been arrested" and the time for prophesy and preparation was passing into a time of decision...⁣⁣
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"The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe the gospel."⁣⁣
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I am struck today by this call to penetrating clarity and truth. It is Lent. But it is also just another day that leads to eternity. And as always, I am caught up in the Word, astonished by it... but perhaps not yet pierced by it enough to let Him change me completely.⁣⁣
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I know that I only permit the Truth to go so far without full permission to reach the darkest corners; those nooks which contain a lifetime of rationalizing those things which aren't of Him. Because...⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
And in our sinfulness, we know intellectually that we are blind and dumb... but we still keep Christ out of the recesses because...⁣⁣
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We don't truly desire full freedom.⁣⁣
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A pious Lent is easy. It's easy to stay on top of the water in my lifeboat and fight with things like chocolate. But I don't want to be knocked into the waters of true renewal where I can't pretend that the battle is that easy.⁣⁣
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Repentance is difficult because I know where the hardened places are and I must again engage in that death battle with my chosen millstones. I don't want to do that. Not today.⁣⁣
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My prayers are pious, yet it is hidden actions of soul which reveal my true desire. And that is where Lent works and is so beautiful and potentially powerful.⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
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God sometimes answers my prayers by giving me exactly what I want. He says "This Way" and I say "No, That Way... I've discerned it" and He allows me to move--with my mask of piety--in the direction that leads to my own destruction. Rock bottom of the soul. And He waits for me to seek Him.⁣⁣
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Tough love. I get that.⁣⁣
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Onward into Lent. Repent and believe in the gospel! He is waiting... but time is short.

Rise Up, Dry Bones... (preparing for Lent)

This week's reading reveal a weariness in our Lord. When the pharisees argued with Jesus, "He sighed from the depth of his spirit and said, ' Why does this generation seek a sign?'" (Mk 8)

And then today...

”Do you not yet perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember?" (Mk 8)

My word of the year is TIRELESSNESS and so this exasperation expressed by Christ touches me, especially as a mother. How many times have a sighed after my children? And how many times as a daughter have I drawn that sigh from my Lord?

He gives me breath for that sigh of relentless love... and it is His Divine aspiration which changes everything. It is Lent. He is sighing. It is time to be moved.

I am weary.
I am grieving.
I am broken.
I am out of time, energy, desire, and resources.

And it occurs to me again that Lent is not about making idols of our own offerings... but about smashing the chains which bind us and entering into our liberation.

Fr. Benedict Groeschel used to talk about the tendency of Christians to feed ourselves on the drama of suffering; to become attached to it and fancy ourselves holy because we sit in darkness clutching our rosaries.

One hope of Lent is to smash the idols so that we can replace them with God alone. Giving up stuff is a small nod to what should be happening in the movement of soul. Breaking chains which prevents us from making our lives a gift of praise.

Lent is about dying. Dying to all the unholy passions and idols which obscure holy vision... and learning to live again.

Christ was weary with the Pharisees and disciples. Caught up in concerns about signs and provision, they were missing the point. He is weary with us, no doubt, even as we are weary with our own dullness. And yet...

Lent is here. We are hungering. And it is time to come alive.

"And as I looked... flesh had come upon them....; but there was no breath in them.... 'Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.'” (Ez 37)