I Get To Put Down the Cookie...

Ten years ago, I entered Lent thinking that I was going to be in a wheelchair by age 40. Desperation drove me to radical change and, a few weeks after Easter, I took the first gritty painful steps towards a more surrendered life, body and soul.⁣
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I fought then to be able to walk and eat and hope again. And I continue to grieve, fight, surrender, and rise by turns. Starting at the end (“I will die”) and working my way backwards (“How shall I now live?”) to a life more properly ordered both physically and spiritually.⁣
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Chronic illness can be a crutch or ladder. Like Lent. We don’t get total control. But we get to decide how to live well and move forward with purpose.⁣
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Not that I’m particularly good at life, you understand. I would not choose to relive pivotal moments of change—I’m just not that strong—but they're necessary and I’m grateful.⁣ Every single day is a gift. Every step. I don’t HAVE to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
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That Lent changed me and I look at things differently now…⁣
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I don’t have to fast… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to sacrifice… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to discipline my appetites… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to make good choices… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to exercise… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to surrender… I GET TO.⁣
I don’t have to serve… I GET TO.⁣
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“Do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in all your conduct; since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 1 Peter 1:10⁣
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Lent is ultimately about seeking union with Christ. On a practical level, that means prayers and service… and choosing to do the hard thing in the moment that needs doing. Detaching from outcome. Pursuing right ordered living.⁣
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We learn quickly that we can’t even put down the little cookie let alone face the scarier stuff. And this where Lent pierces our damnable egos…⁣
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“Take up your cross and follow me.”⁣
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First, we have to figure out how to let go of the cookie. Lent is an extraordinary opportunity to learn to stop kicking and screaming our way to a beautiful and liberated life and finally say:⁣
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“Yes, Lord… I GET TO."

Asparagus Soup and thoughts on heresy

My dad made this delicious asparagus soup and served it to me. The meal was good timing since I’ve been struggling recently with the effort of eating according to the needs of my body. I've healed from disease in ways that astound me, but sometimes... I’m just tired.

To be served and loved with thoughtfulness and consideration of my needs was a gentle lift through the rest of my week. And of course, it got me remembering.

Dwelling on the past isn’t always fruitful, but it can help to look back with gratitude and see how God has worked. I remember how sick I was. I don't want to go back to that. I remember how much work (and surrender) it took to rise up.

I sometimes lose courage and am tempted to abandon the effort. Then I return to the heart of the Father in prayer and ask Him to lead me through…

I only have one body, Lord. And it is from You for You. Give me the passion for Your call so that what I currently see as burden will become only joy.

St. Thomas wrote: ‘Grace does not destroy nature, but perfects it.’ The body itself is not an obstacle to happiness but the chosen vehicle for God’s plan of eternal joy. I know that now...

But when I was young, I hated my body and was drawn in by the Manichean error that our bodies are wicked; that the spiritual world was light and good and the physical world was dark and evil. I hated my body and couldn’t wait to be ‘free’ of it forever.... and those thoughts led me to an even deeper involvement in occult spirituality.

That story is complex, but what ultimately saved my life was seeing the gift of my body through God's eyes and the life-giving teachings of the Catholic faith. As I sat with Scripture this morning, I marveled at how God works for us through others...

Thanks for the soup, Lord. I remember. You knew I would.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor. 19

Books for Lent and Beyond...

I grew up in a single parent household as a latchkey kid. And while I learned a great deal about self-sufficiency, I did not learn the finer domestic arts outside of basic survival skills.⁣⁣ When I married at 19, I could make a passable tuna noodle casserole, I knew how to run a washing machine, and could heat anything up in a microwave…⁣⁣
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But I also used dish soap in the dishwasher (have you done this?? It’s very cool and even more alarming to see an entire kitchen covered in several feet of bubbles)…⁣⁣
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And I once used furniture polish to make my wood floors shiny (do NOT do this if you wish to remain upright as you traverse your hallways).⁣⁣
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I’m now 45 and I still feel mildly teenage when undertaking domestic tasks, mothering, and general womanly skills. But I have improved with some help…⁣⁣
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Years ago, I stumbled upon the indomitable Leila Lawler whose writing not only entertained me but also mentored me. Her blog “Like Mother, Like Daughter” was both encouraging and challenging.⁣⁣
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I happily sat at her feet and underwent something of a domestic transformation that took me from “I really stink at this” to…⁣⁣ “Woah… my vocation is beautiful. I can’t believe I get to do this. Tell me more!”⁣⁣
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When Sophia Institute Press put her joyful wisdom into a set of books (!!!) called The Summa Domestica, I knew it was bound for my legacy bookshelf, the collection of information I wanted to bequeath to children.⁣
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I have Catholic books on birth, child rearing, homeschooling, and health (one which I wrote myself to fill a gap). But this set was missing. And now it’s not.⁣⁣
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Another gem this season from Sophia is the Lenten Cookbook from Scott Hahn. Dr. Hahn’s writing has played a significant role in the formation of my household… it only makes sense that this beautiful book should grace our shelves as well.⁣⁣
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It’s not just recipes, but rich content on the importance of fasting and the observance of the Lenten season.⁣⁣
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If you are already a domestic diva, you will still enjoy Leila’s wisdom and Dr. Hahn’s insights. Two of my favorite Catholic authors with rubber-meets-the-road guidance for your Ecclesia Domestica. 🌸 Enjoy!

Again and again... zeal for our house

The exploits of reckless romance have got nothin’ on the wild adventure of committed marital love.⁣⁣
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Wake up, spouses, to your extraordinary life! Many, who now see their lot as drudgery, once longed for this forever love. They’ve forgotten their zeal for generous outpouring.⁣
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It’s the failed expectations, I think. We think we know the secret to happy marriage and are shocked to find that our elders weren’t lying to us about the challenge of permanence…⁣
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That life is hard. Life is suffering.⁣
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They told us these things as a counterweight to enthusiasm… they didn’t want to get our hopes too high.⁣
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I recall the first time I thought “Good gracious, they were all right” while I instinctively looked for the escape hatch. But when you’re Catholic and married, vows aren’t simply shrugged off as a folly of youth…⁣⁣
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So you cling. But you see families tumble down around you and it’s terrifying when you begin to stumble on your own beloved. And yourself. And the drudgery.⁣⁣
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When did your lover become an irritation rather than a breathtaking reflection of God? And how can that purity of vision be restored?⁣⁣
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Where have we put our passion and why isn’t it what we expected? When did the radical call of 1 Cor. 13 become a placard instead of a flame?⁣
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To become captivated again, we learn that what we expected at the start wasn’t good enough…⁣⁣
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God’s vision is deeper and wider.⁣⁣
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Maybe our expectation was more selfish than sanctified. Maybe we made our beloved an idol and then were disappointed when he turned out not to be God.⁣⁣
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Marriage is a battle. It is a fire. It is a sunset and ocean. It is rapids and cliff diving and wonder… Wrapped up in the tedious nitpicking mundane.⁣⁣
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In these wicked times especially, we must remember how to share beautiful secrets with our spouse again. The special wink. The familiar touch. The ichthus drawn in the sand for each other while the world encroaches… a shared knowing…⁣⁣
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“Beloved, you are extraordinary. And someday we will dance in eternal glory. We can dance tonight in anticipation. But first… the dishes.”⁣⁣
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Blessed be God who makes all things new!
Let us begin again and again and again.

The dust of discernment

The dust of discernment.
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I’ve been gutting my home, digging breathing space out of the clutter.⁣ As I climb into crevices that haven’t seen me in a while (years?) I find pieces of my life that have been buried.⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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I once was this. I once was that. I once made things. I was an activist. I was an artist. I was an athlete. I started projects and studied things…⁣
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I got certified and licensed and spoke here or there. I married, birthed, nursed babies, cleaned house, taught children. I thought at times that I had an identity that was in Christ but also… more.⁣
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And I thought discernment was about finding out what that “more” was. Jesus PLUS whatever else…⁣
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I once started a community on Etsy called Handmaid for Life. One of the artists from that treasured group made this heart for me years ago and it’s been on my thread rack since. I noticed it last week and dusted it off…⁣
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And wiped down my sewing machine, leafed through the many patterns and memories. The last pattern purchase… a dress I never made for my daughter…⁣
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Dusty.⁣
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Illness changed so much of my life. Sometimes abruptly. And taught me secrets about discernment. Mostly that it is less about what I do in this life than it is about Whose will I am following.⁣
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Discernment is about detachment and relationship. It says “Where are you going, Lord? I want to go, too? And I want to make my home in Your heart. And I want no other identity.”⁣
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So I stand in the middle of the gutted room (you know how you “clean” a space but first you have to make a righteous mess?) and wonder what to let go. I don’t really want to let any of it go. I want to touch it and dream with it…⁣
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But I don’t know whether yesterday’s distractions will make me a hoarder or whether there’s still room. So I turn back to the Father and ask Him to dust me off and make me new. What will I need for the homeward journey?⁣
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“And raising his eyes toward his disciples he said”… (Lk 6)⁣
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Blessed are you poor.⁣
Blessed are you hungry.⁣
Blessed are you weeping.⁣
Blessed are you when people hate you.⁣
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And I see how I have badly misunderstood discernment for most of my life.⁣
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Dust me off, Lord. Let’s try this again.

Divorcing Pharma

My latest at Crisis Magazine…⁣⁣
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“It is a fact that without Christ at the heart of the healthcare industry, every manner of atrocity is not only possible, but probable. Modern medicine can, of course, be a great good when rightly ordered. But a dependency on an industry that no longer serves the Lord can only lead to diminishing health.”⁣⁣
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Stop Pharming Out Your Health
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I expect that my strong wording at various places in this piece will draw some criticism. What a privilege it is to have the freedom to vigorously engage in such discussions!⁣⁣
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I’m grateful to Crisis for the opportunity and for their ongoing efforts to keep discussion alive about the most important things. From their website…⁣⁣
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“Every generation has its moment of crisis—the moment when it must decide. And each generation is tasked with articulating these timeless truths of the Faith to guide its decisions.”

Prayer of a free soul

In 2019, I read the account of a Uyghur woman who was imprisoned in the Chinese Communist re-education camps. The Uyghur genocide is something Americans know little about. It would benefit us to pay attention.⁣
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One detail of her story in particular sticks with me…⁣
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The Chinese keep the women exhausted and busy with fruitless labor. Some of that time is spent in reprogramming classes. The fatigued women dare not close their eyes for even a second for fear of punishment.⁣ Punished because it indicates to the Chinese that the women might be praying…⁣
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And the enemies of God know that prayer makes a soul free.⁣
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The unique advantage that a Christian has during times of persecution and isolation is the consolation of Jesus Christ. Communication with Him is a threat to all machinations of evil.⁣
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Evil is not content with destroying your body and mind, what it really wants is your soul.⁣
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Sometimes when I neglect prayer, I think of that Uyghur woman. Isolated but not allowed to be alone. Tortured. With no darkness during the night, no friendship during the day, no freedom to move or work productively…⁣ abused and controlled by an enemy bent on stealing even her interior life.⁣
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That knowledge makes me want to pray more. I don’t want to lose connection with the only One who can offer freedom from the damnable spirit of isolation. The fact that I can be pulled from prayer by a thousand different distractions so easily is a red flag…⁣
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… and a strong call to renewal.⁣
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If I am to remain truly free under any circumstance, I’d best get used to praying in all circumstances. Not as if it is a chore, but as St. Thérèse described it… a surge of the heart.⁣
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Jesus, I trust in You. I throw myself on your mercy. Grant me the grace of desire and fidelity.⁣
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“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” ~ 2 Corinthians 3:17

Outpacing Grief

Gaining another daughter in 2022. ❤️ My oldest son asked his sweetheart to marry him and she said yes! Whatever else comes this year, the beautiful things are irrepressible…⁣
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2020 was hard. 2021 was harder. But I have witnessed miracles and goodness which consistently match and then outpace the grief.⁣
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The world remains harsh but the joy settles in deeply. My gratitude to these two youngsters for highlighting that for me again. God moves powerfully among us.⁣
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Also, thank you to all who have prayed for her since her July diagnosis of ovarian cancer. If you would, please continue to pray. There are some battles left to be won.

Responding to the Accusations of the Catholic Left

I was not going to give false words written against me even a moment of my time. Then I realized that the author's ideas (disseminated by the dissident America Magazine) have infected even faithful Catholics... and I do object to my name being used to promote these errors.⁣
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So I wrote a response to the author, who supports medical mandates and wants you to stop asking questions and making thoughtful comparisons…

The Necessity of Comparison: A Response to the Catholic Left
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There is much wisdom in examining history to avoid repeating its errors and horrors. Americans used to agree on that, and I hope we can vanquish the popular leftist tactic of intimidation that insists that this is… verboten.⁣
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Why aren’t we permitted to ask questions? To exercise vigorous scientific, historical, religious, and cultural debate? Who gets to decide which thoughts we are permitted to have, which comparisons we are authorized to make?

Let us continue to ask the questions, make the comparisons, and act as responsible citizens and people of informed faith.

Creative loving in unusual times

We were blessed yesterday by creative family members who took us to see the Zoo lights. They set up a party station in the parking lot complete with hot chocolate, popcorn, and gifts.⁣
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We have different approaches to the virus in our family, but I am so grateful that there has been no hatred. Those who choose to exercise more caution have energetically pursued ways to connect with and love us.⁣
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There has been disappointment at times. We hope for a return to normal. Two years is too long. But we’ve certainly had more adventures outside! And we are grateful to have been treated as beloved, especially when there is much division and anger among many families.⁣
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We didn’t get a family Christmas picture yet but we still have time. The tree will be up until the season is over. And it will take us at least that long to finish celebrating!⁣
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Merry Christmas, everyone! I know it has been a tough season. Many separations, sickness, loss. I pray that in the midst of it all, you have encountered the Presence and joy of Jesus Christ. Blessed be EMMANUEL!