The dust of discernment
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The dust of discernment.
I’ve been gutting my home, digging breathing space out of the clutter. As I climb into crevices that haven’t seen me in a while (years?) I find pieces of my life that have been buried.
Dusty.
I once was this. I once was that. I once made things. I was an activist. I was an artist. I was an athlete. I started projects and studied things…
I got certified and licensed and spoke here or there. I married, birthed, nursed babies, cleaned house, taught children. I thought at times that I had an identity that was in Christ but also… more.
And I thought discernment was about finding out what that “more” was. Jesus PLUS whatever else…
I once started a community on Etsy called Handmaid for Life. One of the artists from that treasured group made this heart for me years ago and it’s been on my thread rack since. I noticed it last week and dusted it off…
And wiped down my sewing machine, leafed through the many patterns and memories. The last pattern purchase… a dress I never made for my daughter…
Dusty.
Illness changed so much of my life. Sometimes abruptly. And taught me secrets about discernment. Mostly that it is less about what I do in this life than it is about Whose will I am following.
Discernment is about detachment and relationship. It says “Where are you going, Lord? I want to go, too? And I want to make my home in Your heart. And I want no other identity.”
So I stand in the middle of the gutted room (you know how you “clean” a space but first you have to make a righteous mess?) and wonder what to let go. I don’t really want to let any of it go. I want to touch it and dream with it…
But I don’t know whether yesterday’s distractions will make me a hoarder or whether there’s still room. So I turn back to the Father and ask Him to dust me off and make me new. What will I need for the homeward journey?
“And raising his eyes toward his disciples he said”… (Lk 6)
Blessed are you poor.
Blessed are you hungry.
Blessed are you weeping.
Blessed are you when people hate you.
And I see how I have badly misunderstood discernment for most of my life.
Dust me off, Lord. Let’s try this again.