Who am I? Short answer...

The most difficult question I ever have to answer in an interview is “Tell us about yourself.” It’s not technically a question but it points to one...⁣
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Who are you and what do you want us to know about you?⁣
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Cue existential crisis.⁣
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I trip on it every time. Because it lives at the core of my overthinking brain like an ocean...⁣
⁣Encompassing every experience, confusion, truth, and metaphysical reality about my life.⁣
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All the audience really wants to know is what I do... something interesting about me. And if I don’t have something written in front of me, I fall into the ocean...⁣
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I’m no one, really. Besides belonging to Christ, I live insignificantly with my exceptional husband and our children.⁣ Some are adults and some still eat soap if it smells good. And I do a lot of dishes.⁣
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My left shoulder is higher than the right from hoisting children for 23 years. My left hip is also off because it has been a baby seat for that same time...⁣
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Until now. It’s been 6 years since I’ve been pregnant. Things are different. Who am I? Is that what you asked? Well...⁣
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Good question. I’m changing. I think I’m getting smaller. I matter less which frees me to do more. I wish I had been 44 when I was 20... I would have wasted less of what was given to me. Maybe.⁣
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I write a little. Do this and that. I don’t know. I have some papers and accomplishments and every time I earn one, I have a moment of clarity...⁣
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That it doesn’t matter much. And I’d better go catch up on the dishes.⁣
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Who am I? Good good question. The full answer can be found in the heart of Jesus Christ. And the goal of my life should ideally be seeking His heart... which is where I will find myself.⁣
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But that’s tough to fit into the intro of an interview. I’d better write something else down. 🌸

From terror to intimacy...

Throwback to our quarantined Easter 2020. I came upon this memory of praying with my family and the word that came to me was “intimacy.”⁣
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I have done so many things wrong as a mother and wife. As I approach 25 years with my husband, I am finally starting to understand one thing…⁣
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My power as a parent does not come from my ability to manage my home, but in my surrender to Jesus Christ.⁣
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My husband’s witness has taught me that. This photo reminds me. His strength in his duties is admirable. But nothing moves me to goodness and repentance like his humility in service and love of the Lord.⁣
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It is that quality which first brought me to Christ and inspired me to enter into relationship with Him. It is that quality which helps me stay steady in faith when I otherwise might run.⁣
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One of the greatest gifts God has allowed me to receive is the gift of sickness. He permitted me to lose control. To experience profound humiliation and confusion. To be stripped of identity in the world so that I could no longer hide from Him.⁣
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I found Him in the darkness. And He replaced my terror with Intimacy.⁣
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I know that my household does not look like my musings on Instagram. We are sinners. I fail daily in my living testimony. But perhaps somewhere in all the busyness and disorder, my kids will be moved to surrender.⁣
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Dear Jesus, capture me. Capture the hearts of my family. Draw us constantly into intimacy with You.

Surrendering again...

Sometimes you get a great shot of the back of peoples’ heads... because you are following behind them as they lead. These two beautiful women have modeled such joyful surrender to me that even their ponytails make me smile. (Thank you @soulcorecleveland)⁣
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When we last met 6 months ago, we were just emerging from a quarantined world and the Holy Spirit was continuing a great work in my soul.⁣
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Through this apostolate, I was returned to the arms of Blessed Mother, spouse of the Holy Spirit.⁣ The change I have undergone in just a year’s time is nothing I expected.⁣
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In the first half, I learned how to praise again. I learned to surrender a bit more. In the second, I learned to believe in miracles. I learned awe.⁣ I thought I knew these things before. Now I know with certainty that I am an infant in faith.⁣
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I was blessed to also spend this weekend with one of my daughters, who modeled for me great faith. I took notes at times during our talks. Privileged to ponder her words.⁣
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We talked about the Holy Spirit. We prayed together along with 10 other women. We offered ourselves again to the Lord and Mary. We laughed. And we contemplated the life of Christ, friendship, and martyrdom.⁣
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I don’t know how to express all of the thoughts and emotions of this year outside of a desire to RUN interiorly and exteriorly.⁣
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To give great effort. To throw myself toward His help. I am looking forward so much to the Rise Up & Run 5k, not because it will feel great (this was not my experience last year!) but because I want to push...⁣
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I don’t want to be asleep anymore. I want to feel my arms shake during a workout. I want to pray when it gets hard. I want to weep at the right times. I want to see what is beautiful with redeemed vision.⁣
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I was moved this weekend when we were praying a SoulCore rosary and a woman named Mary was leading. As she prayed, her face was alive with joy and her arms extended in praise. Her “Hail Mary!” was one of the most authentic prayers I have ever heard.⁣
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And I wanted to follow her radiant smile... and her ponytail. Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me people who radiate Your Spirit. Thank You for everything.

Parenting adults: A shifting

What is impossible for God?

I awakened this morning to a winter wonderland... and sighed. So done with winter. But that sigh was not heavy because I knew the cold would pass soon. Spring will not be stopped.⁣
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As I drove along the roads, I saw the blossomed branches in every direction shaking off the snow. The sun broke through the gray clouds and the melting snow fell like God’s grace...⁣
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On the car. On the road. On my soul.⁣
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Then I encountered the today’s shocking first Mass reading... ⁣
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“Devout men buried Stephen and made a loud lament over him.⁣
Saul, meanwhile, was trying to destroy the Church; entering house after house and dragging out men and women, he handed them over for imprisonment.”⁣
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And I was filled with joy.⁣
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I didn’t feel joy over the persecution and real suffering, but because I know Saul... and I know what came after the brief winter of his hatred for Christ.⁣
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What is impossible for God?⁣
Nothing is impossible for God.⁣
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Saul could not destroy the Church. And the result of the martyrdom of Stephen was a great watering of faith, fervor, and miracles.⁣
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God did not stop the death of Stephen. But he raised him up. He showered the Church with His Spirit. And...⁣
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He turned Saul’s murderous heart into Paul’s heart of a martyr.⁣
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What is impossible for God?⁣
Nothing is impossible for God.⁣
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“Behold, I am making all things new.” Rev. 21:5⁣
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He does not force us to accept Him and to be filled with the Holy Spirit; nor to accept suffering and death with peace and trust...⁣
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But He makes it possible.⁣
Thanks be to God ❤️

I sat at her feet and she prayed...

Parenting young adults has stretched me. I didn't know I could stretch so far without breaking. I didn't know... and it was better not to know beforehand. But here I am.

I have 3 adult kids and 5 more behind. I tremble at times at the future. I've been surprised by what love requires. I've been brought low by the dismantling of expectations, the obliteration of certain ideals, and the realization that I have screwed up a lot of things.

And yet...

I sat at my daughter's feet at the back of the chapel. She placed her hands on my shoulders... on my head. And she prayed.

The child I held as an infant held me. This girl, who I sang to sleep so many nights, sat with me after midnight together on a chapel floor singing to our Eucharistic Lord.

I don't know the name for the emotion I feel in such moments. It is beyond emotion. More deeply real than what I can experience sensorily. Our combined memories--every painful moment, every sweetness--laid before the Savior of the world and Lover of His smallest of daughters.

"He is so good." The words are insufficient but we understood each other.

I am no longer young. I know how grief cycles back and sin oppresses and relationships strain and sickness comes. And yet... I never imagined this moment of sweetness as a mother. Never. It all just looks so different from how I imagined.

I also didn't know that this intimate moment in a dark chapel would be captured by a woman nearby. She has lived a lot of life. She has loved and struggled and lost and risen. She knew what it would mean to me.

Most deeply intimate moments of my life don't make it to IG. But we both want to give testimony. God will not be outdone in generosity. He can take your deepest pain and use it for incomprehensible beauty. @shesaidfiat ...I love you.

What comes tomorrow? I don't know. Onward, trembling heart! Jesus, I trust in You.

"In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" (John 1)

#ariseretreat

Disrupting and Rising...

All we do should be oriented outward in love. A song of praise to God. A gift to souls.⁣
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The trouble is that it is extraordinarily easy to live with a veneer of piety but neglect the dark corners which need the light of Christ. We set conditions on how much He is allowed to touch. Going deeper means a lot of fresh pain... a lot of deep work.⁣
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This is why I go on retreat. Because I am incapable of disrupting myself enough to make it happen. The act of going on retreat is my assent to the deep work and I enter in like this:⁣
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"Lord, I'm going to say yes for all the superficial reasons. Mostly, I want rest. But what I think might happen is that you will break me in order to renew me. I want that. Sort of. But You know I don't really want ALL of it. So I'm going. And I'll love all the things that console me... and I'll be overwhelmed by unexpected grace. I'll come home tired. But changed. I trust in You.”⁣
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I just came off the Arise Retreat weekend where I both participated and presented. I cannot unfold for you all that went on, though I will share some things in the coming days. But let it suffice to say...⁣
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That the most healing action you can take is to place yourself in the Presence of Jesus Christ, to offer Him everything in your life and ask Him to change you.⁣
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Pray the giant scary prayers. Ask for miracle. Expect them.⁣
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Go on retreat with a bunch of women who you trust with your vulnerable soul and who understand that the goal of sanctity is not to find a temporary relief from the dishes... but to be crucified with the Lord so that we might rise up as new creations.⁣
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Hug people. Repeatedly. Spend time in an environment that is not saturated with the secular narrative, but one in which you are immersed in reality and truth. So that you might arise from the grave and live again.⁣
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My gratitude to @1brooketaylor for again providing the opportunity to surrender within a safe and sanctified environment.⁣
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"Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves, and raise you from your graves... And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live" (Ez. 37)

#ariseretreat

I don't know what I'm doing.

Well played, Ohio. Liturgically correct weather. I'll roll with it as long as it's gone by Easter. Although I can recall snow on Easter... so I'm detaching. But also sighing ever so slightly.⁣
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Even since taking the photo, the snow has covered the tulip shoots. And I'm glad that my daughter picked a daffodil for my table instead of leaving it to grow in the woods like I told her to. It's doing quite well in its mason jar.⁣
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I'm admiring it and thinking...⁣
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We recently started watching The Chosen series and my imagination is captivated. Awakened a little more to the reality that conversion looks very little like the pretty tables of IG and more like dark desperate places. It smells of unwashed fishermen and spikenard. It sounds like guttural weeping and gasps of relief.⁣
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I believe that an important part of deep conversion is a restoration of our imagination to holy things. Taking it back from the world which perverts our way of seeing. A beautiful table and perfect Easter baskets... and a well-dressed family on Easter morning with matching dresses and ties...⁣
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They are not wrong. But neither are they enough.⁣
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One of my favorite images from the series is the contrast between the rich Shabbat celebration of Nicodemus and the rough Shabbat dinner hosted by Mary of Magdela. She hasn't hosted one before. It is her first in a long time because she has been away from God and possessed and oppressed by demons.⁣
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So she holds her first Shabbat meal. And she moves through the evening with a little nervousness, great humility, and childlike joy: "I do not know what I am doing."⁣
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In the meantime, Nicodemus presides over a perfect Shabbat. The table is beautiful. Every word is correct. It is not wrong... and yet Nicodemus is portrayed as seeking and wondering... understanding somehow that there is more.⁣
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My prayer today:⁣
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Lord, I do not know what I am doing. Please accept my rough efforts. Help me yearn for more beyond what is passing. Take my shallowness with you to the grave. Amen.

God gave me a choice: All or nothing

Yesterday, I had the privilege of sharing part of my conversion story with @jimhavens@the_simple_truth_show . As usual, I can’t recall much of what I said (nerves will do that) but I do know that the Eucharist is at the center of everything.⁣
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There have been times when my faith in the institution has been rocked and I’ve been forced to examine, from every angle, my belief and what holds me in that belief.⁣
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If I ever left Catholicism, I couldn’t become a Protestant. I would have to leave Christ completely... because the pivotal transformation of my life happened at the invitation of our Eucharistic Lord Himself.⁣
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And if I left Him, my departure would be a shout of “Non Serviam!”— like Lucifer — instead of the squishy fading away into unbelief.⁣
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The human face of the Church is broken, hardened, hypocritical, abusive, and even in the service of the enemy at times. There have been moments when my heart has been broken and I have been tempted to conflate the promises of Christ with those imposters who defile the sanctuary and fool the faithful by wearing robes of Christ. But...⁣
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When I was 18 years old, our Lord gave me a choice. Between belief and unbelief. Between the glitter of the world and the miraculous of the mundane presented in a tiny white host.⁣
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In the Scriptures, Jesus asks his disciples, “Will you also go away?” (John 6: 22-71). And when He asked me, I answered...⁣
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I’ll stay, Lord. I will worship my God, present in the Holy Eucharist, fully believing and embracing the consequences of that belief.⁣
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It is a time of great evil and of great miracles. My own testimony is a great miracle—an impossible rescue—brought about in the silence of a soul and the little details of one life.⁣
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Ask for your miracle.⁣
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Ask Him today to give you the gift of desire. Of fidelity. Of passion. Of vision. Ask Him to bring you the miracle that you need to stay with Him forever.⁣
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Then arrange everything in your life to allow for that miracle to happen.⁣
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“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thes. 5: 16-18)

Prepare for Miracles...

It is a time of great miracles and outpouring of grace from the Holy Spirit. When you feel overwhelmed by the evil, do this...⁣
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Take a moment and ask the Lord to shower down His Holy Spirit. Into your life. Into the lives of your loved ones. For the ones who seem strong. For the ones who seem lost...⁣
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It is time for transformation. Metanoia. I have personally seen miracles and conversion unlike anything I have seen in my lifetime. I expect that there will be more.... much more.⁣
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Surely, it is no accident that St. Joseph features so prominently this year. We sometimes forget that he was not a passive or weak man. He was physically, mentally, and spiritually robust. He knew how to wield axe and a sword. How to build a home. And how to defend a family.⁣
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The kids and I are using a series on mental prayer created by Fr. Dave Nix. And in the series, he teaches the cataphatic way of prayer that St. Ignatius of Loyola and St. Teresa of Avila both used. It uses the gift of imagination to lead the soul to relationship and understanding of Christ.⁣
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We are a just beginning and so are spending time in the Gospel of Matthew... still in the cave of Bethlehem. Today, I was blessed by the powerful image of the face of St. Joseph, his face illuminated, his rough hands holding a single candle that illuminated his beautiful family.⁣
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As I rested at the feet of Blessed Mother and her Infant King (because her maternal love emboldens the timid heart to approach), she turned to me and asked "Would you like to hold Him?" And as I imagined holding the Christ Child, I felt encompassed by the protection of St. Joseph, whose physical presence was magnified by the Divine purpose for which He was created.⁣
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Even in these uncertain times, devils flee in the presence of Joseph, who was chosen by Christ to care for and defend Him from infancy...⁣
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Be prepared for the miracles of 2021. And don't be afraid if they sometimes feel like riding on the back of a donkey, sleeping in a manure-scented cave, fleeing through Egypt, and doing the daily rough work of a faithful servant of Love.⁣
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St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, ora pro nobis 🔥

What Joy Isn't

Before my conversion, I battled despair. Then God lifted me out of that abyss with a mighty and gentle hand and deposited me in a place of safety.⁣ I know it wasn’t without great struggle... but my memory has softened the rough places and my dominant memory is more like an impression of being lifted.⁣
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It’s a breathtaking memory.⁣
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Many trials have come since then, one always replacing another, hopefully with a little respite in between. There have been years without respite...⁣
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Where I thought that life was just a steady progression of greater struggle until I die. But then I’d get to a place of clarity and look back and stand in awe of the work God did through pain.⁣
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When I think of the spiritual life, I imagine that progress means a decreasing length of time between the pain and the understanding...⁣
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Until finally, there is understanding during pain. Total trust in trial. Joy rooted deeply even when everything is burning around and in us.⁣I suppose that’s simplistic. But the truth is that the hand reaching out in agony towards Christ ACTUALLY reaches Him.⁣
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And Joy is not the absence of suffering but the Presence of Christ.⁣
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With each new trial of life, I’m trying to “fake it ‘til I make it” and imagine that I can see the miracle from the other side of suffering even though I can’t.⁣
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Sometimes I feel like Pollyanna, trying to make rosy what simply isn’t. But what I find when the waves subside is that God’s work is ALWAYS more stunning than anything of my imagination.⁣
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Jesus really rose. And He raised Lazarus. And brought the little girl to life. And He multiplied food and drove the demons from people.⁣
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If we accept Christ, we accept the reality of His power and miracles. And we should ask for them, expect them, imagine them, and proclaim them.⁣ I figure that’s the only way I’m going to get to heaven. Being “crazy” enough to believe that anything God desires is possible. And running with it.⁣
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My prayer today is for the desire to become holy. And the courage to proclaim victory in pain even when all earthly evidence seems against me.

"Sit down and shut up" (the crutch of false charity)

Before I was a Christian, I was a pro-abort feminist. And the truth made me angry. I had no compassion for unborn babies because I could not see them. I was blinded with an anger and irritation that was irrational and fierce… a deep spiritual darkness which covered my intellect and emotions.⁣
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It was ultimately that anger which drove me to the point of grace and conversion. And I thank God for people who were willing to be hated for the sake of my soul and the lives of the vulnerable.⁣
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Do not be afraid of upsetting people with the truth. Their passion indicates that their soul is still alive and can be awakened to fullness in Christ. It is persistent apathy and numbness which are the more deadly.⁣
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“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.” (Rev 3:16)⁣
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It is often the angry ones who are still alive enough to be uncomfortable and willing to grapple. (That was me.) Even if their actions are upsetting and evil, it means they have to fight THAT hard to guard themselves from beliefs that threaten their attachments.⁣
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Christian women are naturally sensitive to the reactions and feelings of others. That is as it should be. But we should remember that we cannot control others’ reactions and that we can’t minister to all hearts at the same time. The order of love for a soul is specific and personal.⁣
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It is the Lord who does the work and He works in His time. When a soul is ready, we pray to be made useful in some way. But for the most part, we will never know how we have impacted others.⁣
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There are Christians to whom I was accusatory before my conversion (and almost certainly after). And I hope that my emotion and error didn’t shake their confidence in Truth.⁣
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It is possible that I led people away from Christ, and I thank God for others who opposed me even when I tried to shame them.⁣ Then there were the “peacemakers”who wanted all of the uncomfortable people to be quiet... and lukewarm.⁣
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True charity comes in many forms. An emotional crutch for those attached to sin, error, or comfort is not one of them. Be not afraid. 🔥

Capturing God Without a Lens

Every time I walk into this church when the sun is shining, I see this stained glass window illuminated. It is breathtaking. And every time, I take out my phone and try to capture what I see.⁣
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I’ve never been able to do it with this device. Always just a blob of shining light. It’s like a private joke that the Lord shares with me, reminding me that I’m constantly disappointed by my ability to capture God, instead of resting in the delight of experiencing Him.⁣
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My daughter recently spoke to me about things of God and this image reminded me today of her words...⁣
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She talked about how dull life is without Christ. And how even the most beautiful song of praise can sound like grating noise when we are not attentive to His Presence. She said she didn’t want to live that deadly boring kind of life, behind a wall of sin or ignorance of Christ. And she prayed over me... and I rested.⁣
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I thought of my window and the clarity I desire. When I step into church and I catch my breath and stand in awe for a second just before I put the phone lens between me and the vision God created in me...⁣
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Life is stunning. Even grief reveals the shocking depth of love with which we are designed. Nothing would hurt if we didn’t first fall into love.⁣
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Repentance seems to begin with allowing the lens of dullness to be stripped.
No numbing agents.
No filters.
No blindness.
No crutch.⁣
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Terrifying.
Breathtaking.
And God willing, we will allow Him to make us strong enough to withstand His piercing light, flourish within it, and not seek to repackage it behind a comfortable lens.⁣
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Overcome me, Lord. I am not strong enough to will it. ❤️

Getting out of the lifeboat for Lent

"Repent, and believe in the gospel."⁣⁣
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Today's Gospel is so powerfully succinct, wrapped in the words of our Blessed Lord Himself. There is no parsing, haggling, or manipulation here. Our excuses fall instantly before the piercing arrow of Divine Truth.⁣⁣
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"John had been arrested" and the time for prophesy and preparation was passing into a time of decision...⁣⁣
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"The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe the gospel."⁣⁣
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I am struck today by this call to penetrating clarity and truth. It is Lent. But it is also just another day that leads to eternity. And as always, I am caught up in the Word, astonished by it... but perhaps not yet pierced by it enough to let Him change me completely.⁣⁣
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I know that I only permit the Truth to go so far without full permission to reach the darkest corners; those nooks which contain a lifetime of rationalizing those things which aren't of Him. Because...⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
And in our sinfulness, we know intellectually that we are blind and dumb... but we still keep Christ out of the recesses because...⁣⁣
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We don't truly desire full freedom.⁣⁣
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A pious Lent is easy. It's easy to stay on top of the water in my lifeboat and fight with things like chocolate. But I don't want to be knocked into the waters of true renewal where I can't pretend that the battle is that easy.⁣⁣
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Repentance is difficult because I know where the hardened places are and I must again engage in that death battle with my chosen millstones. I don't want to do that. Not today.⁣⁣
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My prayers are pious, yet it is hidden actions of soul which reveal my true desire. And that is where Lent works and is so beautiful and potentially powerful.⁣⁣
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Sin makes us dumb.⁣⁣
Sin makes us blind.⁣⁣
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God sometimes answers my prayers by giving me exactly what I want. He says "This Way" and I say "No, That Way... I've discerned it" and He allows me to move--with my mask of piety--in the direction that leads to my own destruction. Rock bottom of the soul. And He waits for me to seek Him.⁣⁣
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Tough love. I get that.⁣⁣
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Onward into Lent. Repent and believe in the gospel! He is waiting... but time is short.

Rise Up, Dry Bones... (preparing for Lent)

This week's reading reveal a weariness in our Lord. When the pharisees argued with Jesus, "He sighed from the depth of his spirit and said, ' Why does this generation seek a sign?'" (Mk 8)

And then today...

”Do you not yet perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember?" (Mk 8)

My word of the year is TIRELESSNESS and so this exasperation expressed by Christ touches me, especially as a mother. How many times have a sighed after my children? And how many times as a daughter have I drawn that sigh from my Lord?

He gives me breath for that sigh of relentless love... and it is His Divine aspiration which changes everything. It is Lent. He is sighing. It is time to be moved.

I am weary.
I am grieving.
I am broken.
I am out of time, energy, desire, and resources.

And it occurs to me again that Lent is not about making idols of our own offerings... but about smashing the chains which bind us and entering into our liberation.

Fr. Benedict Groeschel used to talk about the tendency of Christians to feed ourselves on the drama of suffering; to become attached to it and fancy ourselves holy because we sit in darkness clutching our rosaries.

One hope of Lent is to smash the idols so that we can replace them with God alone. Giving up stuff is a small nod to what should be happening in the movement of soul. Breaking chains which prevents us from making our lives a gift of praise.

Lent is about dying. Dying to all the unholy passions and idols which obscure holy vision... and learning to live again.

Christ was weary with the Pharisees and disciples. Caught up in concerns about signs and provision, they were missing the point. He is weary with us, no doubt, even as we are weary with our own dullness. And yet...

Lent is here. We are hungering. And it is time to come alive.

"And as I looked... flesh had come upon them....; but there was no breath in them.... 'Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.'” (Ez 37)

The Gentle Instruction of Paul

Joining with #fridaycolloquies to let the light of Christ flood our feeds. I was going to add a favorite saint quote but then read today’s first reading and my heart stayed there.⁣⁣
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Paul with the gentle instruction and piercing hope (Hebrews 13:1-8)...⁣⁣
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“Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels. Be mindful of prisoners as if sharing their imprisonment, and of the ill-treated as of yourselves, for you also are in the body.⁣⁣
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Let marriage be honored among all and the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the immoral and adulterers.⁣⁣
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Let your life be free from love of money but be content with what you have, for he has said, I will never forsake you or abandon you.⁣⁣ Thus we may say with confidence:⁣⁣
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The Lord is my helper,⁣⁣
and I will not be afraid.⁣⁣
What can anyone do to me?⁣⁣
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Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” ❤️⁣⁣
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Thank you @littlelightfamily for the invitation and inspiration. May God be glorified in all these posts and his people consoled and fortified.

Motherhood (A peek into my future)

It’s been almost 5 years since my last pregnancy. So perhaps that season of my life has passed. I don’t know. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and it wasn’t shocking...⁣ but I know now what it is like to look into a future without my own new babies to hold. And I am starting to feel, for the first time, the soft desire that a woman might feel for grandchildren.⁣
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It’s not a strong feeling. Just something I recognize lingering on the edge of my life. A little peek at my future.⁣ How funny to think that because I married so young, I could technically have a child younger than one of my grandchildren! And that thought, my friends, makes me laugh... ⁣
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... and also makes me feel very tired.⁣
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Motherhood is explosive. It has blown me to bits along with all of my ideas of perfection. A constant descent into humiliation and a steady rising into a true and magnificent calling...⁣
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A contradiction. A startling adventure. A consoling monotony. A painful stretching.⁣
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Lead me, Lord, to my truest self. Where I look down at my hands and see Yours. And agree to have my heart expanded beyond the limits of human reason.⁣
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I can do this if You make me not afraid. And then someday, I will rest...⁣
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But not yet. Please make me tireless...⁣
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I would like to take a break. Take a breath. Close my eyes. But I have a few more miles to go. And a few more transitions to make. Blessed be God forever. ❤️

Molon Labe! (Death has no power)

In 480 BC, the Persian king Xerxes invaded Greece with a great army. King Leonidas of Sparta stepped forward boldly with his army to try to stop the Persians. The trouble was...⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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The Spartans only had 300 soldiers.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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In spite of small numbers, Leonides confronted the massive Persian army. Knowing his certain victory, Xerxes sent an ambassador to demand that the small army lay down their arms.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ But Leonidas said:⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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MOLON LABE (“Come and take them”)⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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What followed became known as the Battle of Thermopylae. King Leonidas was defeated. But his effort played a role in discouraging Persian interest in the war.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ And planted a seed of courage for the ages...⁣
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The phrase was taken up in the American Revolution and by freedom lovers since. During the Texas Revolution, Mexico demanded that Texans surrender their cannon...⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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The reply? “Come and take it.”⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I embrace it as an American, but also as a Christian who sees the signs of the times and is preparing for onslaught and perhaps earthly defeat.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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I say “Molon Labe!” as a shout of defiance to the armies of death and bondage. To those who would steal the heritage of faith and freedom from my children and target their bodies and souls.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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My weapons are truth, fidelity, grace, mercy and charity. Every one of them is in the possession of Christ the King.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ My "troops" are at His disposal. I welcome His authority. I ask Him to conquer me first and then vanquish the designs of my enemies.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Defiance against evil requires a radical spirit of humility that will not be silenced by fear... and which lays down all arms at the feet of the rightful King. Death has no power.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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That is the way I desire to enter these times. Knowing that death is a guarantee in any life. Yet if I have given all to Christ... then I am certain to LIVE.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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When the enemy, like Xerxes, meets my weakness, he knows my death is imminent. But because I have given over possession of all of my weapons to God...⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Not even the power of death can destroy me.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Molon Labe 🔥

Consecration: A Fierce Tenderness

Little hands collected “flowers” for her crown and made decorations for her space. It was the middle of quarantine and they played sweetly, oblivious to the growing madness of the world. So innocent and spontaneous in their devotion.⁣
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They had no idea how close she really was to them and to their family. How tenderly yet firmly she led us and protected us.⁣
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Fast forward...⁣
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Today is New Years Day and 2020 is over, but that calendar seems completely overshadowed by the Solemnity...⁣
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She is so close to us. How privileged we are!⁣
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Mary carried me through this past year. She arranged everything. She stayed with me so closely that I could not help but fall into her arms during times of grief and rely on her more and more.⁣
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I stumbled so many times over myself and over the anxiety of the year. And over and over she picked me up, bandaged my wounds, and reoriented me toward Christ.⁣
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I cannot recall a more transformative or healing year than 2020.⁣
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She drew me in all year. In October, I renewed my Marian Consecration. By December, I saw an unfolding of miracles. I wish I could tell you all that has transpired. I can’t. But I can tell you this...⁣
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My hope has been restored. Because I have seen what God does through His people and through His cherished mother. He does not spare mercy. He is the Good Shepherd. He will find you when you call. He will rescue you.⁣
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I’m handing over 2021 to the Mother of Mercy and her King of Glory. I have already confidently placed more desperate prayers at their feet.⁣
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Whatever comes will come. May we meet it with holiness, trust, and burning charity!⁣
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Happy Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God! Blessed be God forever! ❤️

Tirelessness for 2021 (Word of the Year)

My word for 2021 is TIRELESSNESS. I found it in the Advent meditations of a priest who wrote in a Nazi prison while waiting for trial and execution.⁣⁣
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It’s a mouthful of a word but I knew it was right. 2021 needs a word that orients toward action and virtue. Because really, the time is now.⁣⁣ Then I randomly chose a second word. (More about that in a minute.)⁣
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In 1944, in the midst of the most depressing circumstances, Father Alfred Delp wrote:⁣⁣
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“All of this is waiting and keeping watch for the coming of the Lord. . . . We must know the intimacy of God, the certainty of God within life. This great virtue of tirelessness is called for here: the tirelessness, which is touched by the Lord and, with the strength from his touch, keeps rubbing the sleep from its eyes and stays awake. . . . [K]eep journeying and keep awake. This is the law of the successful and liberated life.”⁣⁣
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Staying awake.⁣⁣
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Lord knows how tired we all are. And sometimes most weary because we have been traveling without Him.⁣⁣ I do not wish to be asleep for the coming year. I wish to be commissioned. It’s a frightening request. And yet...⁣⁣
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What would you do with your life if you were not afraid of losing anything but Christ?⁣⁣
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Imagine!⁣⁣ At the end of it all is the ultimate Joy. We cannot lose if we have stayed with Christ. God is with us!⁣
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The word I got from the random generator was... CHILDLIKE.
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I’ll take that one, too. The first is a virtue, the second is a quality... a posture. Where shall I go without my Lord’s strength? Nowhere. Abba!⁣
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How shall I know tirelessness and joy without being emptied of all the self-importance of adulthood?⁣
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With all of our striving, we must be able to continuously throw ourselves into the arms of our Father and our Blessed Mother...⁣
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I am tired. Awaken me.⁣
I am afraid. Encourage me.⁣
I am lost. Rescue me.⁣
I am cold. Warm me.⁣
I am broken. Heal me.⁣
I am weak. Strengthen me.⁣
I am arrogant. Humble me.⁣
I am sinful. Redeem me.⁣
I doubt... show me the way.⁣
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Tirelessness.⁣
Childlike.⁣
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My patrons for 2021 are St. Joan of Arc and St. Thomas Becket. AMDG⁣