Motherhood (A peek into my future)

It’s been almost 5 years since my last pregnancy. So perhaps that season of my life has passed. I don’t know. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and it wasn’t shocking...⁣ but I know now what it is like to look into a future without my own new babies to hold. And I am starting to feel, for the first time, the soft desire that a woman might feel for grandchildren.⁣
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It’s not a strong feeling. Just something I recognize lingering on the edge of my life. A little peek at my future.⁣ How funny to think that because I married so young, I could technically have a child younger than one of my grandchildren! And that thought, my friends, makes me laugh... ⁣
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... and also makes me feel very tired.⁣
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Motherhood is explosive. It has blown me to bits along with all of my ideas of perfection. A constant descent into humiliation and a steady rising into a true and magnificent calling...⁣
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A contradiction. A startling adventure. A consoling monotony. A painful stretching.⁣
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Lead me, Lord, to my truest self. Where I look down at my hands and see Yours. And agree to have my heart expanded beyond the limits of human reason.⁣
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I can do this if You make me not afraid. And then someday, I will rest...⁣
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But not yet. Please make me tireless...⁣
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I would like to take a break. Take a breath. Close my eyes. But I have a few more miles to go. And a few more transitions to make. Blessed be God forever. ❤️