Surviving the Teen Years (Confessions of a Tired Mom)

I was that mom who was going to have the best teens ever; the ones who were obedient and cheerful and faithful. I was convinced that I would be able to mold them into happy, good people by the sheer power of my love and that there would be no arguing in my house ever. There were only two problems:

1) Me
2) Them

My plan was rolling along marvelously before they were teenagers. Those years between 10 and 12 are really deceiving... They have a mom convinced that she has successfully managed to navigate the uncertain transitional period between childhood and big-kidness. Thirteen was actually a pretty great year, too, and then 14 started to make me nervous. I sensed a little bit of stretching and pushing and expanding. And my world started to change. 

It was right and good of course. It's supposed to happen that way. And yet... it wasn't the way I planned it. My primary mistake was that while they were transitioning into autonomous human beings, I forgot to make the transition as well. I still saw them as an extension of myself, and that natural stretching of mind, body, and soul felt more like a painful tearing that I was not prepared for.

Moms of littles, don't let anyone tell you that teenagers are horrible. They certainly don't have to be that! But I've seen enough now in my own and other families to know that teenagers are often stressful on a mom... in new and wild ways that can hurt and startle. You only have a moment for a sharp intake of breath before you begin to frantically search that young-old teen face for a remnant of the 12-year old you think maybe got left behind on the last vacation.

Because seriously, that is not my kid.

I once asked a good friend why there are so many Catholic mom bloggers of young children and so few with teens. She said: Because they are fully engaged in their vocation. They do not have time for blogging. Seriously. Not only do teenagers have a way of sucking your brain and lifeblood from you but you can't post cute stories about their potty training adventures anymore either. And you can't really post their struggles and drama. They're not you anymore. They have a reputation. They are growing, growing, growing... gone.

How do you do it with all these kids? Oh, how many times I gave myself a mental pat on the back and straightened up tall and answered: Oh, well the big kids help a lot. It makes it so much easier. Now, in humility, I must admit that it's harder than it ever was... because a teenager tying a sibling's shoe before Mass in no way offsets the drama of the growing up and out years. Give me a choice and I'll take untied shoes at Mass every time. But there is no choice...

Can't go around it... gotta go through it.

No toddler is capable of doing what a fully aware stretching teen can do on a bad day... None. Give me your hairy screaming fit of a toddler at lunch time and I'll raise you the intense life or death teen drama at 2am. 

My kids are good kids. I love them. I like them. But they are kicking off the old self and trying to fly and it gets a little messy sometimes. You can't write that stuff on a blog. Not really. 

If you don't have teens yet, the best pieces of advice I have to give you are these:

1. Jealously guard and nurture your relationship with your husband.

Because one day, you're going to get kicked around a bit by those kids you poured yourself into... and you're going to turn to your husband and feel a twinge of regret that you didn't give him more. 

Those kids are made to fly. You two are together for keeps. 

There will come a day when you'll call him on the phone (especially if you have multiple teens) and you'll tell him "Honey, these kids don't like me at all and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to be the mom because I love them. But I really need someone to LIKE me today." And you'll see with new eyes how God designed your people to grow... and how he designed your marriage to blossom. 

If I could do it over again, I would still pour the same amount of energy and devotion into my kids. But I would give my husband the same... and more.

2. Remember that your kids are not you. And take care of yourself.

All of that energy and effort of mind, body, and soul that you've poured into your little kids... it's all good and worth it. But you've got a long way to go, mama... and you need to make sure you're prepared for the long haul. Take care of yourself. Not in a selfish way. But in a way that honors the God-given gift of who you are. Twenty years from now, God's going to ask you to keep serving your people, so make sure you've been a good steward of mind, body, and soul.

Make sure you know who you are apart from your children. 

3. Pray without ceasing. 

This is your lifeline. Pray, work, and trust. Lord, have mercy.

I could write for days about those three points but there are a couple more things I want you to know before I close...

I would rather clean a blowout poopy diaper than argue with a teen. I would rather deal with hairy toddler fits than teen meltdowns. I would rather break up arguments over who used whose red crayon than engage in teenage drama. Because on one end of the spectrum, the primary concern is the care of little bodies and emotions. On the other, is the hardcore care of souls. I've got three teens now. Stuff just got real. 

I'll say it again just to be sure you didn't miss it. Teenagers are incredible people. I just don't want you to be surprised or distressed when they start to act a little like you did when you were a teen. You'll see "the look" for the first time and it'll freak you out. AH! I did this to my parents! But it's okay if you remember that because it will help you have empathy when you want to kick them out...

With only the clothes on their backs.
And no dinner.
With a sign that says: "I know everything so it probably won't take me too long to get a job, a house, a car and my next meal."

I often stand in awe of these beautiful maturing people. But I also stand in authority over the not yet flown. And I have never been more grateful for the gift of my spouse. Maybe it's just that I feel so often like punting the kids through the door. Or perhaps it's simply that I have finally learned that my children have an identity. And that it's not me.  

Come, Holy Spirit. 

*Permission received from all of my teens to post this publicly. They understand that it was not written about any one of them specifically and we had a healthy laugh over some memories. :)

How to Turn Teens Into Saints

Many Catholic teens think All Saints' celebrations are stupid and refuse to participate or dress up. It's easy to see why. When most adults hardly appreciate the excellence of this feast day, it is rather difficult to pass on any enthusiasm to the young people. Most dress-up parties and All Saints' Masses take place in a school environment, relegating them to part of the "school-ish" culture. The dynamic, authentic, awesomeness of this feast becomes a flattened dullish sort of thing and seen as only for the little kids. Just try to have an All Saints' dress-up day in a Catholic high school and see what happens!

And yet those same students will happily make fools of themselves in every kind of ridiculous get-up for Halloween. Obviously, it is not just about not wanting to be childish... but clearly an aversion to the things of faith because they see the faith as restrictive, cheesy, old, uncool. This is primarily the fault of a culture that is dead to true beauty and does not seek the heart of Christ.

Fortunately, this is not true for everyone but it does take some significant familial and parish effort and prayer to compete with the teen culture of boring. My teens participate in the fun of All Saints' Day of their own accord (so far), and happily so. I realize we have a distinct advantage as homeschoolers because the dull-ish, dead-ish secular teenage culture does not have constant access to our home.

Because we do not participate in the secular celebration of Halloween, we have been accused of being anti-evangelism. Tell that to my teens who deliberately wore their All Saints' get-up to one of the most liberal colleges in the country last week for their schola rehearsal! A college where they were sure to stand out and provoke unkind stares and certainly did. It was no suggestion of mine, just a real desire to spread the wings of their faith. Or how about the time my "St. Thomas Aquinas" decided it would be far better to go into Dairy Queen for his milkshake instead of using the drive-through. Because... Evangelism. 

Evangelism often manifests as families integrating smoothly into secular society (for example, watching Fourth of July fireworks within a community or participating in sports), but in our current culture, it is becoming increasingly important to be fully who we are within the context of our faith, even when it causes us to stand out.

As you can see by the photos, my teens not only dressed up this year, but they went all out. Professor had a very specific plan and taught me quite a bit about birettas as I fumbled my way through creating a couple. I love the way it turned out, and yes, it is only supposed to have three of those bump thingies. Amazing what a little poster board, heat n' bond, yarn, and fabric remnants can do! You can find our tutorial HERE.

Cookie was late to the planning because of a November 1st essay deadline. She wasn't sure she'd be dressing up at all and I didn't push her, but once that paper was submitted, she eagerly dug out some fancy things and began searching for a saint. (I am short on photos of her here because she was still rushing to get ready for most of the photo session. Other photos of her are temporarily imprisoned on someone else's iphone.)

This St. Veronica costume was one of my favorites to create and you can find the tutorial HERE.

Crash is nearly a teen and he didn't even flinch when that mitre towered over his head in public. I felt like Maria von Trapp making his outfit because I repurposed gold curtains to create it.

I've got lots of thoughts on why my kids are like this and they mostly center around the fact that we home educate. There's a lot of freedom and blessing in this lifestyle choice. Primarily, the kids are free from a secular teen culture that discourages true joy, passion, and respect for the dignity of the human person. I look at these pictures and know that in spite of our weaknesses and failures, we are on a fundamentally good path. It gives me the courage to keep going.

When kids are little, mamas often believe that if we only do all the right things, our kids will be really great and good people. Not to burst your bubble, but it isn't true. It's not primarily about us and whatwe do. It is about how well we place them into the loving arms of Jesus, so that He can do the work. We can lead them along the right path and I guarantee you that they will still stray at times. Some will even leave the faith.

What we need to focus on during these years then, is not micro-managing them into a relationship with our Lord, but allowing them to retain and develop true passion for His Sacred Heart. 

In spite of the common, but false, assertion that homeschooling restricts that kind of growth, I give you my evidence that it clears away some of the debris that can obstruct joy. Will it guarantee that my parenting will turn out canonized saints? No. But I believe it gives them a fighting chance to retain a seedling of their original purity and innocence. They may need it very badly someday.

If you don't homeschool, this is no judgment on you. It is not my vocation to parent your children and I trust you to follow God's will for your own family. I know that many of you are defending the goodness of your teens with great courage and success within the school system. May he bless and keep us all and bring our children safely home with the saints and angels!